Day One: I hate New York.. kind of.

Clean lines and bright lights

Fifty shades of gray streets

Eight million people

Eight million strangers

Eight million agendas

Fleeting cabs and connections

Souls lost and found among it all

-me. 12.08.14

Have you ever heard the song "New York City is Killing Me" by Ray LaMontagne? First, I love Ray. Everything about him. His look, his voice, his lyrics, his soul. You feel every word he sings. That is an artist. Anyways, I love that song because I feel that song 95% of the time I am here in the city. 

I get so tired of all this concrete.

I get so tired of all this noise.
Gotta get back up in the country,
And have a couple drinks with the good ole' boys.

I just got to get me somewhere,
Somewhere that I can be free,
Get me out of New York City, son,
New York City's killin' me.

I have this very passionate love/hate relationship with this city. I moved here for the love of two things, theatre and a guy. They both are still very prominent in my life now six years after being here, one more than the other. But that is for another day.

There are days when I could so easily pack up and leave, when I feel like there is nothing but cold concrete hearts filling this ugly city. Then I find a spark, a small fleeting light that catches my eye. Like the sun hit the city just right and I am a cat chasing the reflection across the.. I want to say city again but that won't work. The word block won't work either because it's bigger than that. Borough just doesn't sound right either. I will come back to that failed metaphor later. 

Anyway, there is that moment that happens maybe once a month, more now than it ever did before. It probably didn't happen for a few years and I guess that was when I was so engulfed in other parts of my life that when I re-awoke, I found most of my creative being had died. But then that moment happened. A soul-awakening magical and inspiring moment that somehow made my anger towards the city easier to swallow and instead use it towards something productive. It happens on the train, I'll read a word or hear a song, or see something happen and lines will pop in my head and I will jot endless words down somewhere, anywhere. Or it will be that blood rushing feeling I get after a performance when I could totally rule the whole fucking world. 

And then I leave the city for a bit, to get air. It is truly amazing how good fresh air tastes from the ocean or the mountains. And while I gulp all that in I think, I need to be here not there, there not here, anywhere but no where. What the hell am I doing with my life? What would I do next? 

What do I do next?