Day Three: What I have gained this year

What did I gain this year? Weight. A lot of it. I would guess about fifteen pounds. And I'm not about to lose it.

God, no! I'm not pregnant.

I have made a list of ten things I want to do in 2015. Some vague, some specific. Some professional, some personal. Other just spontaneous and fun. None are to lose weight. I'm OK with that. I actually love it. Yeah, I tried here and there to lose a few pounds. Yes, I got really aggravated when my favorite jeans magically became much tighter over the course of a couple months. But over all I feel good. Even with some added muffin-top!

CONFESSION: My cousin got married in November. I was planning on wearing the same dress that I wore in January for my sister-in-law's wedding. Eleven months between the weddings. No biggie. Two days before flying to my cousin's in Florida, I tried on the dress, forcing the zipper to close. With a sharp pain to exhale, I could feel the zipper rip. Not only rip open but teeth breaking off of it. Obviously, I got overly emotional and upset. Not so much that I had gained weight and just ripped open the zipper of my dress, more that I was to fly out in two days and definitely didn't have time or money to get a new one! So I took it to the tailor's to see if they could fix it. They put on a wider zipper. I widened my dress. This would be depressing to most, but I'm not going to lie, I like it better now than I did in January. I looked damn good! I got an ass that just won't quit!

I am not saying that I plan on gaining more weight in 2015. I do have goals to eat healthier. Because the stack of Oreos I had for dinner last night isn't helping anyone. But to lose weight? No, not a priority. My sister is getting married this coming year. Normally for a wedding, my mentality would be to fast for the next six months and pray that I don't look like a whale in whatever bridesmaid's dress I would have to squeeze my ass into. However, I have the COOLEST sister who is allowing me to pick any dress I like. I don't have to match anyone, pick a certain style, have my whole body wrapped in satin and tulle. I can find a dress that flatters myself and no one else. Her only requirement is that the dress be white. ((Don't worry, Emily. My dream to Pippa Middleton your wedding went out the door with those extra six Oreos I ate last night.))

My favorite thing about my body? First, that it made a human! And a kick-ass one at that! I have 30 extra pounds, stretch marks and bags under my eyes to prove it! I have spent the past three years caring for his little growing body that mine has been on the sidelines. Not to say that it can't be done. Getting back to pre-baby is no longer a priority or necessity for me. I have tons of Facebook friends who post pictures proving that you can work out and be healthy with a kid. The healthy eating thing I have down. I am raising a self-proclaimed vegetarian. Although, like I said before, my own eating could be a bit better. But I love seeing these posts. The ones of friends doing yoga with their kids, becoming certified fitness instructors, posting meal plans and inviting me to join in on all the fun. This is one of the reasons I love Facebook. The sense of community and support is real. People reaching out to help others. It's amazing, and I'm thankful for it.

I am thirty years old. I am five feet tall. I weight about 160 pounds. This year I gained a new decade, no inches, and (possibly) fifteen pounds. Guess what else I gained..

I gained confidence in starting a new soul-healing journey (therapy).
I gained new experiences and failures.
I gained the feeling of accomplishment in many areas of my life.
I gained professional experiences in different fields of work, expanding my own networks.
I gained love, heartache, new friends, new family, and a whole lot of inspiration.

I plan on gaining much more from all of this in 2015. I am excited for what the next year will bring. I am excited for new adventures in all aspects of my life. I am excited to continue to show Vedder the many different sized packages happiness can come in.

Goodbye, 2014. I am so grateful for you.
Hello, 2015! Let's do this!!

Day two: I write.. and write.. and write.

Lately it's all I can do to scribble/type all theses thoughts down in my head. I am working on a very personal piece right now that i hope to make into something. My brother is the only one who has read its very rough beginning. It's a story so bottled up inside that it explodes out in spurts. There are a few problems though. One, I can't get down everything fast enough. It's very raw and real. And sometimes it makes me nervous and other times it makes me smile more than I should. Two, because it's so raw and real it is hard to share with literally anyone. People will think things, interpret it to mean more than It may mean. Like I said, my brother is the only one who has read it because of the fact that he can look at it with more of a literal content and editorial eye. I am writing it because it is living inside me. But I don't know yet of that means it's should be living anywhere else either.

I get that this entry (and maybe yesterday's) makes this whole Page-A-Day thing look like another work for keeping a diary. Maybe that's exactly all it will turn into. Today I did write a page/quick moment for the play I spoke of above. But like I also said before, I can't share it with the public yet. 

I'll leave you with one line.. 

"God. We were so young. We had kissed so many times before that. And so many after. But that one kiss. It set me free." 

Day One: I hate New York.. kind of.

Clean lines and bright lights

Fifty shades of gray streets

Eight million people

Eight million strangers

Eight million agendas

Fleeting cabs and connections

Souls lost and found among it all

-me. 12.08.14

Have you ever heard the song "New York City is Killing Me" by Ray LaMontagne? First, I love Ray. Everything about him. His look, his voice, his lyrics, his soul. You feel every word he sings. That is an artist. Anyways, I love that song because I feel that song 95% of the time I am here in the city. 

I get so tired of all this concrete.

I get so tired of all this noise.
Gotta get back up in the country,
And have a couple drinks with the good ole' boys.

I just got to get me somewhere,
Somewhere that I can be free,
Get me out of New York City, son,
New York City's killin' me.

I have this very passionate love/hate relationship with this city. I moved here for the love of two things, theatre and a guy. They both are still very prominent in my life now six years after being here, one more than the other. But that is for another day.

There are days when I could so easily pack up and leave, when I feel like there is nothing but cold concrete hearts filling this ugly city. Then I find a spark, a small fleeting light that catches my eye. Like the sun hit the city just right and I am a cat chasing the reflection across the.. I want to say city again but that won't work. The word block won't work either because it's bigger than that. Borough just doesn't sound right either. I will come back to that failed metaphor later. 

Anyway, there is that moment that happens maybe once a month, more now than it ever did before. It probably didn't happen for a few years and I guess that was when I was so engulfed in other parts of my life that when I re-awoke, I found most of my creative being had died. But then that moment happened. A soul-awakening magical and inspiring moment that somehow made my anger towards the city easier to swallow and instead use it towards something productive. It happens on the train, I'll read a word or hear a song, or see something happen and lines will pop in my head and I will jot endless words down somewhere, anywhere. Or it will be that blood rushing feeling I get after a performance when I could totally rule the whole fucking world. 

And then I leave the city for a bit, to get air. It is truly amazing how good fresh air tastes from the ocean or the mountains. And while I gulp all that in I think, I need to be here not there, there not here, anywhere but no where. What the hell am I doing with my life? What would I do next? 

What do I do next?

What this is all about...

I have decided to start this project with my brother - to write a page a day. It could be of absolutely anything, journaling, poetry, creative pieces, or just a bunch of mixed up lines sewn together. But we are both writers at heart and so creating this challenge for each other we are hoping that within the next year something will come out of whatever garbage we write.

While he will probably write in a journal, I have decided to document my journey here on a blog. This can be really great or go horribly wrong. Like I said, I have no schedule or even idea of what will come out in each entry. It's sort of exciting and also scary. Many of the post probably won't relate to one another. Also, I am SURE there will be tons of grammatical and spelling errors. I won't always proofread. I rarely ever proofread unless it is a product I intend to finish. I rarely ever finish anything. Like anything. I must pour myself two to three cups of coffee a day, and don't finish a single one.

So we will see what a year of writing will bring.

I do want to note that ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING written in this blog is owned by me. NO ONE has my permission to copy or duplicate any post for their own personal use or public use. If you want to use any of my writings, you must email me and receive my written permission. 

I love creative collaborations and inspirations, but please just talk to me first before stealin' my shit.

:)

Thanks!